Adolescence can be a difficult time for both children and parents.
This is a time when children would often rather listen to their
friends than to their parents. The world around them starts to
influence them even more than it did as pre-teens. Very often,
there is a conflict between what the world approves of, and the
moral values of Christian parents. This should not be
surprising.
As Christian parents, we need to hold onto our values and not
compromise for the sake of having our children "like us," or to
prevent our children from being "unpopular" in the eyes of the
secular world around them. This is not always easy. We must
set reasonable expectations for the actions and conduct of
children--then "dig in." To some extent, this is WAR. We
are fighting for our values and for our beliefs. Importantly,
we may be fighting for the very salvation of our children, which is
worth any battle we must endure.
Frequently Asked Questions:
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1.
Why doesn't my adolescent
listen to me any more?
2.
What should I do if
I don't approve of my teenager's friends?
3. What
should I do if I suspect my teenager is using drugs?
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1.
Why doesn't my
adolescent listen to me any more?
Many adolescents go through a period of rebellion as they reach the
teenage years. To some extent, this is a natural part of the
process of growing up. Psychologists have a term for this
process. It is called "individuation," or the process of
breaking away from parental controls and becoming a "person" apart
from your parents. At this age, other adolescents become more
important to your teen. It can seem that only the opinion of
their peers "counts." Although the support of parents may be
valued, what they think or don't think about the child is less
important than what a friend thinks.
Just set firm boundaries and demand respect from your teenagers.
Try to get used to the fact that they don't value your opinion very
much at this point in their lives. Just hang in there and try
not to feel hurt. I remember spending a year with one of my boys
where I repeatedly had to tell him "I am not your enemy." We
laugh about this now, as he is a grown adult. My own daughter
told me that she did not like me very much in her teenage years, but
she certainly loves me now that she is married and has her own
children.
For help with parenting teens, please consult my book entitled:
"Godly Counsel," a chapter of which is included in this website:
Adolescent Rebellion Also see:
Adolescent Guidance and
Parenting.
2. What should I do if
I don't approve of my teenager's friends?
Many Christian parents mistakenly believe that their
adolescent has a right to choose his/her own friends. I
strongly disagree. As the Bible says, "bad company corrupts
good morals." As a Christian parent, you have a moral
obligation to restrict your teenager's friends to those of whom you
approved. That doesn't mean that you should never let your
child be friends with a nonbeliever. However, you should judge
your teenager's maturity and level of faith and help him/her choose
friends accordingly. If your adolescent has a strong
personality and is a leader, it may be ok for him/her to have
friends who are in the secular world. However, caution is
certainly needed, and you must communicate regularly with your teen
to determine if he/she is being drawn into the ways of the secular
world, or whether he/she is effectively witnessing to the
nonbeliever and/or being a moral role model. Certainly, you
should be very cautious if your teen is easily influenced and
restrict his/her friendships as necessary.
Generally speaking, no matter how morally strong your teen may be,
the overwhelming majority of his/her friends should be fellow
Christians. Your teen will certainly need the support of other
Christian teens in order to stand up to the pressures in today's
society. You, as a Christian parent, should help ensure that
this occurs. Certainly, you should actively restrict your
child's friends if you feel that they may be leading him/her astray.
Don't be timid. Be strong! If they continue to associate
with friends of whom you don't approve, then consider strong
punishment, including restriction of privileges, grounding, etc.
Remember, your main role as a Christian parent is to train your
child in the ways of the Lord. As part of this role, you have
every right to restrict him/her from unhealthy friendships.
In order to help your teen develop friends of whom you approve, you
may want to use your judgment to identify other teens who may be
healthy for your teen, and then facilitate, as much as possible, the
development of this friendship. For example, you may want to
offer to take your teen and the chosen friend to a sporting event,
to a theme park, to a youth group event, etc. If you use
discretion, and if you aren't too "pushy," you can help your teen
develop healthy friendships that will help support your Christian
values.
3. What should I
do if I suspect my teenager is using drugs?
If you have any suspicion that your teen is using
drugs, then you need to confront him/her immediately. Ask a
lot of questions, and don't be afraid to be confrontative or fear
that you are hurting his/her feelings by asking such questions.
The following is a watchlist for parents that can be found on the
following website:
Watch
List for Parents (Quoted from website)
- Changes in friends
- Negative changes in schoolwork, missing school, or declining
grades
- Increased secrecy about possessions or activities
- Use of incense, room deodorant, or perfume to hide smoke or
chemical odors
- Subtle changes in conversations with friends, e.g. more
secretive, using “coded” language
- Change in clothing choices: new fascination with clothes
that highlight drug use
- Increase in borrowing money
- Evidence of drug paraphernalia such as pipes, rolling
papers, etc.
- Evidence of use of inhalant products (such as hairspray,
nail polish, correction fluid, common household products); Rags
and paper bags are sometimes used as accessories
- Bottles of eye drops, which may be used to mask bloodshot
eyes or dilated pupils
- New use of mouthwash or breath mints to cover up the smell
of alcohol
- Missing prescription drugs—especially narcotics and mood
stabilizers
If you observe the above signs, you should consider
taking your teen to the pediatrician and ask the doctor to check
your child for drugs by doing a urine test. Screening tests
are also available from your pharmacy, so talk to your pharmacist
about how you would test your child for drug use.
Some parents mistakenly feel that drug tests are too invasive
and will harm their child's self-esteem. Believe me, if you
have sufficient reason to believe that your child is using drugs,
you have every reason to ask him/her to simply "pee in a cup" and
give it to you.
If your child has an established pattern of using drugs, then
regular random drug checks is not optional, but mandatory.
Having your teen take an appropriate drug test is the only way to
guarantee that he/she is not using. Drug test help in two
important ways: 1). You, as a parent, can put your mind
at rest and stop worrying about what your child may be doing when
you are not with him/her. 2). When your child knows that you
are going to give a drug test, it gives him/her added "will power,"
and an "excuse" not to do drugs. For example, your teen can
tell the teen who is trying to entice him/her, "I can't do drugs.
My parents give me a drug test."
Note: Some
teens these days are very aware of ways to "get around" drug tests.
You may need to stand nearby to ensure that your teen is giving a
sample of his/her urine and not just filling the test container with
water. Also, it is important to be aware of how long a
particular drug lasts in the teen's system so you can properly judge
the timing of the "random drug screen." Finally, make sure
that you don't announce when you are giving the test, as your child
may have learned ways to "flush" his/her system of the drug in
anticipation of when he/she is going to be tested. If
necessary, talk to your doctor or pharmacist about these
considerations.
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